Laktawan ang galugad

Ok, so the promotions went out a while ago..and i just have to get this off my chest.
I guess it’s inevitable to feel bad, no matter how mature you are when you don’t see your name in the list.
You see when i started, i always believed that i was the star of that team. I simply thought that i was better than anyone there..having graduated from UP may have contributed to that – where we thought that there are only 2 schools in PH – UP and others. Not politically correct I know, but we are mayabang like that.
So it strikes a nerve whenever a peer gets ahead sooner or even someone who you used to supervise indirectly has been favored over you.
That’s what happened today.
So Im not the only star after all..there are so many more. Its a humbling feeling. You are not that significant as you think you are. You are not indispensable. It sucks especially when most of your self esteem is derived from how people perceive you at work
I sound pathetic now i know. I like to think that years from now, i will only laugh at this post
And yes i know how silly this post is because if someone from Syria will be able to read this, he may just punch me in the face.
And besides, what am i complaining about? My rating is high and i got a 5 digit increase in my salary.. That may well be better because the increase is somewhat close to what a promote might get, minus the additional responsibilities
And besides i know that i have so much more to learn. Heck, i cant even cope with my emails anymore
Deep in me, i know that this is a wake up call to pursue the other aspects of my life which are equally if not more important. Hello family and friends. Hello neglected dreams. Hello giving back to society. Hello me. Hello God. There are just so many more things in life..and i think, have i been promoted, i will just continue obsessing about climbing the corporate ladder, setting aside all other
The next level is my target landing point i really want to go there very soon? Should i reach that then what will be next?
So note to self – suck it up! You just want that promotion because of your ego and the high that you derive from it that makes you forget the mess that is your life
Time to fix those first i guess


Lately, i have been noticing the works of Jerrold Tarog – most prominent of which is the hit, Heneral Luna, but Youtube made me discover that he has short films as well. Brilliant film maker I must say – I like how much idealism his works have.
Idealism, the desire to follow my passion, and to make a difference – I used to have these in college, during my stint in UP. Now, all i have are deliverables, deadlines, meetings, calls..all done to be ahead, to have more. What happened to me? I feel isolated..i feel like i’m in a deep slumber. One’s life has to matter right? There must be something more to life than just money and pride.
I think it’s time to reacquaint myself with things that matter. I need to give back.

My ultimate crush posted an after sex selfie, I think. Well, i don’t think that was a selfie, another person whom he woke up with must have taken that.
For one, I haven’t had sex for the longest time.
And, I’m lonely…career is going well that it has taken over my entire being – I’m having trouble sleeping (again), and I feel tired most of the time.
I have become a work addict I think, because I tend to choose to bear the stress instead of taking time off.
When I’m in this state, for some reason, I inevitably notice the absence of my love life, particularly sex.
People seem to be motivated by that, why shouldn’t I?
Yes, give it days, then magiging malibog na ako.
Then I will act out, then I will feel guilty then I will get depressed.
My cycle.
Am I being too hard on myself? Or am I just mindlessly conforming to what others perceive as the natural state of things – people should have a love life. Being different causes its own loneliness, but so is just flowing.
But do I really want it? I mean, seriously, do I really want it?
I want it for the security that it gives, but I don’t hunger for it as much as I’m hungry for career. I can get by more or less.
Maybe the stress comes from comparing myself too much with others – I should have a boyfriend because other gays my age are having parties and the most immaculate sex.
I listen to so many voices and opinions…forming my perception of what things should be.
But examining closely, having done this for so long, it did not make me happy.
I’ve recently attended a training conducted by Francis Kong, and what really struck me was when he said that we must be careful on what we feed our mind, because it forms us.
I guess at this point, I’m just tired of not having any concrete thing to anchor myself on, I’m tired of views which complicates my life.
I’ve been listening to Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen recently.
This has been Joel’s opening spiel everytime:

“This is my Bible.
I am what it says I am.
I can do what it says I can do.
Today, I will be taught the Word of God. I boldly confess:
My mind is alert, My heart is receptive.
I will never be the same.
I am about to receive
The incorruptible, indestructible, Ever-living seed of the Word of God.
I will never be the same .
Never, never, never.
I will never be the same.
In Jesus name. Amen.”

I’m going to give this a try.

I think i must write again, for my sanity.

I think the date is not doing well… He’s become cold and i’m not able to perform sexually.
I think i should take a step towards independence . Yesterday, i slept over at auggie and my parents are freaking out

I’m dating now. Hope this goes well. We kissed and cuddled on the 2nd date. Haha, im so easy to get!

By accident, i stumbled upon this indie film, “still life”. Boy was it so inspiring. It’s about a painter who became afflicted with a debilitating disease, he then sets out to go somewhere secluded to create his masterpiece then after to end his life. He then meets a girl who was able to convince him otherwise. I especially liked the part when the guy confided that he believes that life’s a choice, that he lost its meaning and therefore he can end it. Emma, the girl disagreed – according to her, life is not a choice, it’s a gift and that we are obliged to live it until it’s taken from us. As to meaning, if you lost it, it’s your responsibility to find it again.
To fight against deterministic thoughts, to be proactive in finding your meaning and happiness and to take charge of your life instead of relying on what others/the media dictates – i intend to make these the theme of my new year. What a great start indeed!

Crush # 2 resigned and I don’t feel anything

While waiting for the jeepney at my usual spot, i noticed a guy with a good built buying something at 7/11. Then he returned in his car, rolled down the window. We exchnged meaningful glances, then he drived to spot near me. I walked more closer to the car, then he rolled down the window and ask me to jump in. We ended in a dark spot in a gasoline station where we jerked off each other. We didn’t bother knowing each other’s names. It was that simple.. And casual which makes it alarming.

Can i just say that i think I’m depressed. I feel drained most of the time, i’ve been having trouble sleeping, i feel heavy getting out of bed, nothing seems to excite me anymore. I don’t know, it  can’t seem to find meaning in life. And i think i have a clue on what to do, but i can’t seem to find the motivation to do it.