Laktawan ang galugad

one of those times when i feel that i don’t have control over my life. i had a conversation with a friend and she told me that she’s afraid that her brother and his girlfriend might have broken up. i don’t really care though, it does not affect me directly. she told me that if it’s true, she feels so bad considering the fact that the couple has been together since 2nd year college.so i wondered how old the guy might be. i gave my estimates. she told me her brother is already 26. To my mind, that’s ok. guys can marry until they are 40. in fact some women prefer older guys.

and the conversation went on and she said that if at the time that she is 25 and still single, she might end up being an old maid. and all of the sudden i panicked. what the hell will i do when i’m 25 or 30 or 40. she knows about my sexuality so she further inquired of my plans. My plans? i told her that i’ve always thought of having a child – although i haven’t really thought of the means to do it. i know my choices. i can do it the natural way. the question is, will i be able to reverse my sexual preference? i’ve heard of gays who claim they are already heterosexual after going back to the Lord. i’m not closing my doors, but at this point, i don’t see it happening. is sexual preference reversible? i can opt to have it prepared in the lab. in friends, phoebe did it for her brother. that possibility makes me feel uneasy though. some say that it’s like playing with God -it’s not supposed to be that way. children should be conceived in a uterus, not in a test tube. i don’t really know. or i can adopt – probably the easiest option. but i’m confused. i might end up using the child as a security blanket against my fear of being alone. i don’t want it to feel that way. unless i will be able to settle that issue, i don’t feel prepared for that yet.

the truth is, when it comes to my life, i am a bad planner. i’m not the type who sits down and plan the next steps. maybe it’s partly because i don’t know where i am going. i find that area of my life so blurred. i envy people who can provide simple answers to people who ask them of what they want to do with their life. some people know their life purpose as early as 5. some are just clueless at 21. back when i was in grade four, i’ve always thought of having and hacienda where there will be plenty of horses. how would i be able acquire it-i don’t have an idea. perhaps, i have plans all along. it’s just that i’m really not into planning all the details.

this is not the first time that this existential angst occurred to me. whenever it does, i am led to the idea that maybe, just maybe, i knew what i want all along – that i’m just afraid to pursue or even entertain them. it’s not like i’m not willing to take steps. it’s just that the road leading there is so complicated. i wish that i’m just the singer whom his family wants to be an engineer. or a priest whom his father wants to be a doctor. that would be much much simpler. but i’m the person who they expect to bring them to riches but turns out wanting to be in the designing world. i’m the only one in the family who consistently excelled in studies. i’m first in the family to enter UP. Some people must be expecting big time from me.

those who claim that the road to happiness is setting aside others’ expectation and just following your heart had no idea of my life. that is easier said than done. i’m freaking tired of playing this again and again in my mind. i long for the day to finally be free from it.

i guess my negativity reached its peak today.

i’ll just take comfort from what the Bible says-it is only given to those who can accept it.

focus on myself. back to life.

bahala na si batman.

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One Comment

  1. I was just reading some of your older posts. I have gotten into the dilemma of posting a comment or just skim through. I was thinking that since you are blogging for yourself (as indicated in your ABOUT page), it may be inappropriate to say my piece… However, as you can see I have decided to do the latter. If you may allow, I ‘d rather not have this published. Please allow this to serve as an email… hehehe… because I don’t know how to personally send you one.

    First, I would like to honor you for being very honest to yourself regarding your preference, although you are still cloaked in anonymity to the rest of the blogosphere.

    Second, I honor you for acknowledging your weaknesses to others in the real world and always having the resolve to do better and to be a better person.

    Third, I honor you for your candidness in your relationship with the Lord.

    Since I believe in grace (as you may see in the title of my blog), allow me to chip in some unwarranted and unsolicited words… I hope I am not overbearing…

    1. You entries tell me that grace always abide in you… It takes grace to do all those things above… 🙂

    2. I hope and pray that the grace that abides in you will sustain you in finding your path.

    3. I am humbly and gently reminding you that God loves you unconditionally… and that you need not feel always unworthy, but rather grateful…

    God bless….

    —–
    tnx for the nice words and for the effort of bringing His message to me. you are a grace of God to me. what you’ve said struck my core. tnx again. 🙂


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