Laktawan ang galugad

it’s been a while.. here’s a run down.

monday sucked. I got entangled with my addiction. His name is rolan. the usual stuff happened. i dreaded it after. but he texted today. usually, i cut them off immediately after. but he is persistent. and i responded. i know it’s wrong. people are not supposed to fool around immediately after meeting. It was practically shake hand and a little talking. o boy. how cheap can you get?

tuesday was a hang over of monday. i can’t do anything. i was so down.

wednesday, we had a company talk. which reinforced my feeling that i don’t belong in the computer industry. when we toured their office, the only thing that ran through my mind was how can a person stand that kind of environment. they sit the whole day staring at thier computers thinking in terms of data structures and algorithms. those people are heart attack waiting to happen. how sedentary can you get?

today i decided to rid of my negativity. he texted, right? but it doesn’t mean i’m meeting with him again. it’s purely physical and for heaven’s sake…it so damn wrong. so let’s see. if he is persistent, then maybe he is worth a try. and i should be open to change. i just hope that it will not be a mistake.

why can’t i do it? maybe because i’m so conscious of the morality behind it. i studied in a catholic institution. i even excelled in my ethics class. and it just doesn’t feel right. deep down, putting aside every value that i have, i know that this is a selfish act. i do it because i want to be with someone. i do it to prove to myself that i’m likable – that i also deserve to be loved. i can’t do it because deep down i am broken. i have nothing to share. i have no love for myself.

so maybe it’s not yet the right time. and maybe doing what i’m doing isn’t helping with my soul searching. as father said, i need to focus on myself first. i need to pick up the broken pieces. you don’t look for a partner because you want companionship. otherwise you’re just using the other person. perhaps you look for love because you have something within that you can’t contain that all you want to do is share it. cheesy but true.

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3 Comments

  1. it totally sucks when you want to do something yet you can’t for the reason that you are being accused “going against the norm”…and you realize afterwards that you let the chance pass you by only to satistfy other people’s craving for a “perfect” society in a painstakingly flawed world.

    actually may conflict sa akin with regards to this.
    may part sa akin na gustong ijustify ang homosexuality. minsan gusto kong kausapin si God ng one to one. yung maririnig ko talaga yung sagot nya. itatanong ko sa kanya kung ayaw nya ba talaga sa mga bakla? kung ganun, bakit may homosexuality in almost all mammalian species.
    pero iniisip ko rin, siguro may mga bagay na dapat na lang nating tanggapin para mapatunayan natin na mahal natin ang Diyos. susunod na lang tayo kahit minsan hindi natin naiintindihan. yun yata yung tinatawag nilang faith šŸ™‚

  2. pwede mo naman talagang tanungin si Bosing tungkol dyan. malamang eh puro signs din ang kasagutan. nonetheless, para sa ‘kin lahat ng klase ng sexual orientation eh equal. yung mga bagay na dapat nating tanggapin kahit against minsan sa will natin, parang in due time nagiging blessings in disguise sila. tama ka, faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain for what we do not see. God is good, no matter what.

    p.s. pwede po pa xlinks? kinakapalan ko na mukha ko. hehe! natututo kasi ako sa mga nababasa ko dito at sa conversations natin dito sa comments. salamat!=)

    salamat! sana ay lahat ay kagaya mo na broad minded šŸ™‚ i would love to exchange links with you. actually it’s an honor. airforce ba? hehe. bigatin ka. but can i call you ada? i hope you don’t mind. ‘y’ sounds like a variable to me.

  3. sure po! thank you so much!=)

    ok ada. tnx din šŸ™‚


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